Plustown
A lot of perfectly good film show their cards early, establish a unique premise and let the audience explore a topic at a leisurely pace, without much in terms of surprise. this film is not one of those films.
Michael_Elliott
Ironmaster (1983) ** 1/2 (out of 4)This Italian-French co-production is set during prehistoric days when Vood (George Eastman) discovers iron, which he uses as a sword to break free from his tribe. Ela (Sam Pasco) takes over and soon he too discovers the iron and before long both sides are trying to create new weapons for power.Umberto Lenzi's IRONMASTER is one of those films that is better made than it probably should have been and it's certainly a lot more entertaining than it has the right to be. The movie is basically a look at two group of people just a notch above cavemen who learn to do battle with much better weapons than what they are used to. Lenzi certainly creates a unique look to the film and for the most part it's entertaining enough for what it is.I think what I enjoyed most was some of the more laughable moments in the picture. Look, I'm sure Lenzi wasn't intending on this to be taken overly serious but the highlight for me was a group of ape creatures who are constantly attacking people. These costumes are certainly a far cry from PLANT OF THE APES but at the same time they are realistic in their own way. Obviously these ape creatures are running around without clothes so they male parts are seen at times and I just found it funny that the film gave them penises and that we see them throughout the film.The battle scenes are fun as well. There are a couple good sword fights but the best moments are when the rivals are battling with large rocks and sticks. Performance wise there's certainly nothing great here from Pasco but it's always great fun seeing George Eastman. His battle with a lion is another nice sequence as is the lion's head he wears throughout the film. But be warned, there are some animal deaths seen in the film.
CelluloidRehab
That sounded so good, I'm going to repeat it : A saucy spaghetti romp through 1,000,000 BC, Planet of the Apes and Ator. I have recently seen a few Italian "imports". Jewels such as Super Fuzz, Raiders from Atlantis and 2020 : Texas Gladiators. This movie is part of that same prime lineage.We start this masterpiece with some rhythmic chanting. Feel free to join in. It's quite easy to do (hum hum hhaa hum hhaa hum hum). This chanting happens a few times during the movie. You should probably create a game out of it; like doing shots or chugging beers at the beginning, chant along, and then do some more drinking (or whatever your drug of choice is) at the end. This will keep everyone from hurting themselves or anyone else. It is also a good way to keep from getting into a coma or deriving some enjoyment from a really bad movie. This movie is not that bad, I merely state this as public service announcement. So if a bad movie happens to you, you'll know what to do. After the chanting is done, we get a narrator telling us whats going on. We are somewhere in prehistory, and there's this tribe. They seem friendly enough. They're no cannibals or anything. Actually they're in a bit of a crisis for food. During the ensuing hunt, the leader is murdered by his son (and soon to be announced heir), Vood (the infamous George Eastman - think of a white Wilt Chamberlin). You may remember George from such classics as the Barbarian Brothers or 2019 : After the Fall of New York. At the leader's funeral Vood is exposed as a murderer by Ela (the very sweaty and buff Sam Pasco). Vood is banished. This leads into the longest and most painful scene of the entire movie : the erupting volcano scene.In this scene Vood is walking around in exile, around volcanic mountains (that coincidentally looks like my baking soda and vinegar mountain from my 8th grade science project). We get some stock footage of volcanic eruptions and lava flow from what looks like a 1969 collegiate project. Lava is on the ground and lightning strikes it. This somehow creates iron. The thing that is formed looks like a giant stick, or a really, really amateurish looking sword. Vood goes ape and starts breaking stuff with his new rock staff. On the way out he encounters and kills a lion. Lith (the very attractive Pamela Prati, a.k.a Pamela Field) then shows up and gives him the idea to conquer. Vood shows up back at his tribe wearing the most ridiculous lion suit he made out of the beast he killed. There's this giant lion head he wears. For reference, remember Montgomery Burns from the Simpsons except this is much sillier (the episode with the greyhounds, where he sings the "wear my vest" song). Vood and Ela fight. Vood wounds Ela and banishes him to what looks like the Planet of the Apes. He then takes over and begins the war effort. This is Lith's ultimate scene. She goes into this tirade that had me laughing for 2 full minutes. The only way I can describe it is if you think of Valaria's way of speaking from Robot Holocaust. I call the next scene the forging scene. Somehow they figure out how to melt the rocks, create molds for the molten iron, and a hammer to further shape the rock. Apparently they "guessed" all this in the missing scene the director cut out. Ela then meets Isa (the other hottie in the movie, Elvire Audray). The first time she said her name, all I could say is "Her name is Pizza ?". Strangely enough in this Italian exploitation movie, both attractive female leads never bare it all. This all leads to an eventual conflict between Vood & Ela. I won't spoil it. This must be seen to believe. It is nice that they used the same choreographer from 2020:Texas Gladiators. Unfortunately, that man flunked out of the William Shatner School for Acting and Stunts. The movie has some nice footnotes :1) Nice use of roaming buffalo throughout the Dakotas. This included making the actors run through the pack.2) Almost a total rip of the bone smashing scene from 2001, except with George Eastman in fur leggings and a club.3) Anatomically correct shot of a lion - twigs and berry shot.4) Prehistoric leper clowns.5) George Eastman discovers a new way to get high : eating volcanic rock.6) Numerous homo-erotic imagery.7) Ela runs and sits quite daintily for a caveman.8) These cavemen sure look good. They must work out in the cave's gym. They also wear these adorable rabbit slippers throughout the movie.9) Mad lib dialog. Vood (verb of motion).10) RUNNING !!! and MORE RUNNING !! There's a lot of running in this movie. I haven't seen so much running since Run Lola Run, however, in that movie there was a purpose to all that running. All this running is reminiscent to all the driving in Manos, the Hands of Fate.This movie is terrible on all fronts. It is so bad, that it has actually become one of my favorite Italian exploitation movies. Try not to watch this movie alone or if you are in a bad mood. I could not control my laughter or disbelief. This is definitely great for the disaster watcher.
overkill-6
...but much further away from being the best. Funny, I didn't know buffalo "moo"ed. They do in this film. A touching, moving story of two tribes of primitive humans (who have apparently already invented steroids) who touchingly, movingly kill each other over newly-developed weaponry...perhaps an allegory of the dangers of the arms race...and perhaps just a mediocre barbarian film. I tend to think of it as the latter. Too bad neither side thought of asking for help from Ator ("The Blade Master," a.k.a. "Cave Dwellers")...he probably would've made a hang glider and dropped bombs on the "bad guys" again. Whoever they were.
