Hottoceame The Age of Commercialism

FeistyUpper If you don't like this, we can't be friends.

Limerculer A waste of 90 minutes of my life

Intcatinfo A Masterpiece!

tyesharman Extremely funny and a very easy film, brilliant watch!

Jonny Foulger To begin, one must discuss our protagonist, Vinnie Jones. Such a diverse actor allows this film to truly play to his strengths. At one point, I thought he was going to cry, but of course not - he is a man. Invariably, other than the truly great performance of Mr. Danny Dyer, the best caricature performed by diverse acting quality, the stand out performer is Jason 'The Monk' Statham.In his three glorious lines of dialogue, Statham esquire (our god) gives an incredible embodiment of an accent from some vague region in the north. It was only after following upon further research on the great man that one discovered that rather to my great surprise his locale was not of such an area, but instead of midland descent. Arguably, one may consider that 'The Stath' does not need lines, but instead is brought alive by a script that relies on the expressive capability of his face. This gives brevity and a continual sincerity to his humble beginnings.The prior reciprocity displayed between both Jones and Statham adds a great deal of gravitas and a hapticity that one can truly grasp, much like this very review. Their footballing credentials whilst at grammar school (1978-1983) therefore supports the particular bond depicted on screen. Statham's career in diving is substantially exhibited by his abs which are clearly shown in his inaugural scene. These are quite simply hewn from obsidian, and connote a particular majesty in his on screen presence. Criticisms with the film are few, but fraught. In particularity, the scene of a coital nature between Vinnie 'Mean Machine' Jones and the governor's receptionist is quite frankly appalling. More needs to be made of Statham's abs and moreover his truly masculine body art. Also the governor's eyebrows require their own role and are wasted on such trivial application. Despite this, the film is literally perfect. This is delineated through a true stamp of quality - the Umbro branding, which is extraordinarily consistently prominently well placed. In summary, this film personifies the true nature of English heritage and the argument that Jason Statham is indeed on his way to becoming a true national treasure, such as Gary Lineker. This film indeed (re)devines the vernacular of modern day sporting cinema and such should be inducted into the cinematic hall of fame. A must for viewers of all ages, especially lovers of art house theatre.-Da Boiz-

SnoopyStyle Disgraced ex-captain of England football team Danny 'Mean Machine' Meehan (Vinnie Jones) is thrown in prison for drunkenly assaulting two police officers. Guard Burton tells him that the governor will offer him the job to coach the prison wardens' football team. His men beats him up telling him not to take the job. Lots of prisoners are angry that he threw a game. He befriends smuggler Massive and elderly Doc. He takes on coaching the prisoner's football team with maximum-security prisoner Monk (Jason Statham).Unlike its American cousins, the humor is not the simple, easy, broad kind. It tries to be darker, energetic grittiness. It's not quite that and it's not quite funny either. This definitely has the Guy Ritchie flavor but director Barry Skolnick doesn't have the same skill level. I would have liked to see Ritchie do the directing himself.

Spikeopath Mean Machine is an English reworking of Robert Aldrich's 1974 beefcake Burt Reynolds starrer, The Longest Yard. Substituting Gridiron for Soccer, director Barry Skolnick, along with his roll call of British "faces", is only aiming for one market.That of the footie worshipping clan that primarily resides within the United Kingdom.Very much a long way from competing on the same playing field as Aldrich's superior movie, Mean Machine does have enough about it to make it an enjoyable viewing outside of the excellently constructed soccer match that fills out the last third of the piece. But with the film's reputation being far from good, the chance that many others feel the same as me are pretty remote. About as remote as Accrington Stanley winning the English Premiere League one feels.The problem would seem to lay with the first hour, violence and humour thrust together does not always yield great rewards, and so it be with the wet behind the ears direction from Skolnick. Caught between a tough portrayal of British prison life and outright slapstick, it's an odd bedfellow that Skolnick can't quite get right. And with Guy Ritchie on the sidelines donning the "supervising producer" shirt, one can't help thinking that Ritchie would have made substantially more with the material to hand. But as "I" say, there's enough there for the discerning fan of blood and banter.Led by the watchable Jones, the cast, outside of the miscast David Hemmings as the Governor, pull out the stops to entertain the terrace faithful. Danny Dyer haters will enjoy him getting knocked about as he plays simpleton Billy Limpet, while Jason Statham is a joy as Monk, a Jock that even the Jocks are afraid of. While also putting in scene stealing shifts of note are Jamie Sives, Vas Blackwood and Omid Djalili. It's no piece of work to rank in the higher echelons of British movies - or sports movies in general for that matter. But in spite of its soggy formula and over reliance on the template film it's working from, it's very funny at times, and if you like soccer? Well the actual match is well worth the wait. 7/10Footnote: The Longest Yard/Mean Machine was met with another re- imaging in 2005 with Adam Sandler as the disgraced lead protagonist. Proof positive that it's either a formula that many can't resist? Or that it's one that some feel still hasn't yet met its potential?