VividSimon
Simply Perfect
Rio Hayward
All of these films share one commonality, that being a kind of emotional center that humanizes a cast of monsters.
Kinley
This movie feels like it was made purely to piss off people who want good shows
Comeuppance Reviews
Look at the above picture: Ernest Borgnine is IN the diamond. End of plot synopsis.This laughably and lovably inept movie is just out and out silly - so take that as a solid recommendation. One of our readers, Gap, suggested we review this movie, and we always try to listen to our followers. Brandon Lee is charming as the CIA agent/mercenary who is a master of disguise named Michael Gold. There is a 526-carat diamond at stake called the Verbeek (?) diamond which will enable whoever gets it to build a powerful laser to take over the world. Naturally many bad guys are after him as he tries to rescue Professor Braun (Borgnine) who has been kidnapped. His journey takes him from Cuba to the Namibian desert, with Braun's daughter Alissa (Monahan) in tow.There are inane action sequences involving shooting, blow-ups, guard tower falls, evil Germans, fruit cart chases and many other clichés, all done in what seems to be an unintentional cartoonish style. The "help the daughter find the kidnapped father" is a very American Ninja-style plot, and Ernest Borgnine's accent comes and goes. The unnamed song, which repeats many times throughout the film (plus all the nonsensical goofiness) reminded us of White Fire. The song is musically very reminiscent of "There's No Easy Way Out" and the singer sounds drunk. Apparently it was done by David Knopfler, and his husky, amazingly slurred singing makes Bob Dylan seem like someone with perfect diction.Laser Mission was done in the golden year of 1989. It was directed by BJ Davis, who has a long history in the stunt world. It has since fallen into the public domain and thus can be found in gas stations all over the world for about a dollar. If you see it, we strongly suggest you pick it up, as it is well worth that meager investment. Sure, the quality is blurry (even the SOUND is blurry) but it will provide entertainment and laughs. And isn't that what movies are all about? Laser Mission is a silly great time. We'd love to find more movies like this.for more insanity, please visit: comeuppancereviews.com
craigman
I only watched this movie because I was bored one Sunday afternoon and I had received a Sci-Fi Classics collection as gift, and because it starred the late, great Brandon Lee, whom I only have seen in the movie "The Crow", which I loved. I love to watch cheesy low-budget sci-fi movies, and movies that are "so bad they're good", but this was neither. It was just horrible all around. Probably the most annoying part was the terrible sound quality. I would have to turn my TV's volume on maximum and I still couldn't hear the muffled dialog, yet soon afterward there would be a deafening sound effect. Haven't these people heard of boom mikes?Also, the story was a muddled mess, with basically Brandon running around, looking a lot like a poor man's Dean Cain, shooting black guys dressed in Army fatigues and being a jerk to the obligatory blonde sex-interest. I must admit, I liked the woman much more than Lee. Her cute 80's look and nice cleavage were the only things that kept me from completely tuning out this "movie". Someone else called this a B-movie, but that is giving it way too much praise.The things that usually make these types of movies appealing are mostly absent, like gratuitous violence (there is virtually none here), a sci-fi element (none), sex or nudity (none worth mentioning). etc. Why this was in a Sci-Fi collection is beyond me. And the main thing that bothered me: NO FREAKING LASERS!!! WHY THE HELL WOULD YOU CALL A MOVIE "LASER MISSION" AND NOT HAVE A SINGLE DAMN LASER IN IT?!?
Frank Markland
Brandon Lee stars as 007 styled spy (Or he's a mercenary because the damn song that kept playing called him a mercenary, go figure) who travels to South Africa to rescue a scientist (Borgnine, in an accent that must be heard to be believed) from a bunch of goons who want Borgnine to turn a diamond into a laser weapon. (This plot angle certifies the level of credibility we are dealing with) Brandon Lee sure made a lot of bad movies in his day. With the overrated Rapid Fire, the mediocre (though watchable)Showdown In Little Tokyo and of course this movie, one can only conclude that The Crow really was his best effort. (Actually his Hong Kong produced movie Legacy Of Rage is supposed to be pretty good. I ordered it, to review it) Anyway Laser Mission is easily the worst from Brandon Lee but that's not to say it isn't entertaining. It is in fact ultimately hilarious. When Laser Mission starts we witness men put gas-masks on while the credits role and the Laser Mission theme plays and we meet people at a party, when the guy explains the caliber of quality of the diamond, the crowd breaks out in hilarious whistling. The directing apparently implies that this was filmed with a hand-held camera (the cheapest type) and people are gassed all for a diamond which looks really fake. Brandon Lee then arrives talks to Ernest Borgnine, gets shot with a dart and then wakes up in prison. He fights his way out and these action sequences are truly stilted. Worst of all is the acting from Debi Monahan (The Seinfeld chick who got killed, right?) Her high pitched squealing along with Lee's overly smug presence (Seriously Brandon Lee was an appealing actor, but not here) make for the funniest moments. Brandon Lee also dresses up as a Cuban, we see two Cuban soldiers who are movie's would be comic relief make the same jokes over and over again. The funniest part of the movie is the climax where we see Brandon Lee get shot at by the main bad guy but then run him over with the car. However when he gets shot at, he's standing outside the car, the next shot is edited of the car charging towards him. Hilarious. More unintentional hilarity ensues but hey this movie was only 2.99 and if you're a big time Brandon Lee fan, or a fan of camp this is perfect cheese.* out of 4-(Bad)
Hitchcoc
It's as if someone said, "There have been lots of good spy movies made. Let's make one that isn't clever, isn't exciting, makes very little sense, and see if we can get people to go to it." I doubt that many did. When I saw our boy Chuck Bronson killing armies of people with one shot in all those Death Wish movies, I thought I had had enough. These people that are able to run around with weapons and kill people by shooting them out of tower, off roofs, and right in front of them, gets really tiring. It's not much different than a bunch of ten year old's playing war. Every shot finds its mark and no one can hit the broad side of a barn on the other side. Of course, their approach to combat is to run at the guy with the gun, holding your weapon to the side, and stop. Ernest Borgnine must have been really hard up for parts (remember, he was once an Academy Award winner). This isn't tongue in cheek fun (although they try to throw in a little humor). It's just abjectly tiresome. Find an old James Bond film.
