It gets where it's going fast enough, but you don't feel like you've traveled anywhere at all.
The Dark Tower avoids the lowest rungs of that ladder. Taken on its terms it's hardly a disaster, delivering moments of fun on a basic level.
Inconsistent, incoherent and often cheesy.
[The Dark Tower] resembles nothing so much as a mashup of The Lord of the Rings and The Matrix reimagined for the young adult crowd.
More forgettable than loathsome, the kind of movie that occasionally rubs salt in your wounds by reminding you what could have been, but mostly just dissipates from memory as it's playing.
The Dark Tower is King's ultimate roller coaster - twisting and stomach-clenching and terrifying but, above all, fun. If only this version was as thrilling a ride.
The movie makes me finally want to test-drive one of the "Dark Tower" novels, if only to see what King himself was able to bring to the party. Maybe that's been his evil plan all along.
It would be a waste of everyone's time to go on about how this 95-minute movie deviates from the source. Let's just say it turns The Dark Tower into something generic, and leave it at that.
So much is so wrong about this stunted film version of Stephen King's marvelously dense and dazzling series of eight novels, that all I can say is this unholy mess shouldn't happen to a King, much less a paying customer.